Why Has God Forsaken Me With Lactose Intolerance

My Life is an Endless Cycle of Popping Pills. Lactase Pills, That is.

I originally began this post to review plant-based milk. However, it’s been over six months since I started this post. Since then, I have concluded that I hate all of them. I searched high and low, from almond to macadamia. In my opinion, nothing compares to normal, greenhouse gas-producing, climate change contributing cow milk. There is not much that can top the nostalgia that accompanies a tall glass of cold milk, or an iced coffee that doesn’t cost $6+ because of my dietary requirements. I miss the days where I didn’t have to doubt baristas and could eat cheese without wondering how quickly my stomach would digress. Or the days where a bottle of lactase pills wasn’t my constant companion. This is supposed to be a milk review post, so I will give my two faithful readers what they did not request. Here is what I think about plant-based milk.

Plant-Based Milk and Why I Dislike Them All (in no particular order)

  1. Almond Milk (aka the worst out of them all)
    • When almond milk is added to coffee, a chemical reaction occurs causing it to alter the flavor and curdle. One of the only ways to prevent this is to use a barista brand of almond milk, which I don’t have the energy to find and purchase. I don’t want to have to worry about what the clumps in my coffee are, and I definitely don’t want to pay even more for the barista blend because I am genetically cursed.
  2. Coconut Milk (I’m not fruity enough for this)
    • Okay, I don’t like coconut flavors to begin with (unless it’s in a pina colada) so it makes sense why I disliked this nut milk. I will say, however, that it has the best texture out of them all.
  3. Cashew Milk (if I wanted water I would have drank water)
    • It’s discolored water.
  4. Macadamia Milk (I don’t like it. Don’t ask me why.)
    • It’s just not good, okay?
  5. Hazelnut Milk (I know it’s nut-milk, but it’s too nutty)
    • Like seriously?? Why ruin a perfectly good cup of coffee with this milk? Also, it’s not easily accessible. -10 pts.
  6. Oat Milk This is by far my favorite out of all the milk substitutes. Some brands do an awful job with their oat milk (brand name rhymes with …Janet Boat??), but others like Califia Farms, Oatly, and Chobani do a wonderful job.

I hope you enjoyed my rant. Don’t hate, if you like any of these kinds of milk, you’re luckier than me. Thank you for reading.

Update: September 10, 2022

I recently had the pleasure of attending a career fair at my university. There, I learned that if you include something on your resume, you need to be willing to stand by it. Well, to my surprise, a recruiter pulled up this post while I was in the middle of my elevator pitch. I don’t think there was a single moment during that career fair that I feared for my future more. After thinking long and hard about this post - it’s relevance and necessity - I realized I missed a milk.

Soy Milk - Some might have thought this would be the first on the list. It’s not. For a reason. My brain was determined to forget it altogether. However, better lat(t)e than never. Perhaps I liked soy milk when coffee shops did not charge extra for it. It served its purpose. It didn’t curdle (not too much at least), it didn’t cause me to hunch over in pain, and it allowed me to enjoy my coffee! However, now that I need to pay for it, I refuse to willingly consume this milk unless I’m in dire circumstances. Its flaws can no longer go ignored. It has an unsettling sweet flavor, the texture is worse than cashew milk, and I can’t help but be reminded of the unflattering nickname it gives to some of its consumers. Soy should stay in its lane and just make delicious tofu.

I stand by this blog post. I just wish it wasn’t read solely at career fairs.